Boring and buddhism and death?

It's so boring not smoking and the death thoughts don't go away because I answer to the voices from the street. And the world is a dangerous place to goto especially in my condition and I have no Dharma Guide I do it all with books and I guess I have to take the medication but it just makes my mind dull. I'm afraid of the world, I live in a busy place although I live in the countryside I live next to a village and a busy road and there are many people out there in the area giving out crap. I want to move out goto a place with monks but I have to saty at home with my parents because they do not give me the money and recession has tightened the purses of people.